Wednesday, December 23, 2009


Years ago I was working for a Vietnamese man whose very nature precluded him from ever “getting” me, which was fine and of course irrelevant.

One thing I loved about him though, was what I could only guess was something he’d been saying his whole life, a phrase so common to him that he didn’t even hear himself say it any more, and that was probably only a word or two in his native language –

Every conversation with him opened with him saying, “This is what I want.”

Not a sentence though, more of a single word, spoken fast, run together, and although he did actually mean it, it was clear he was saying it reflexively, not intentionally. And yet he meant every word.

I immediately loved it – he was casting a spell – preparing the ground so his words would take root and he would get what he wanted. Clueless as he was to this (or not), I picked up on it and took it as a valuable lesson. I say it often, and I have to say it really does clear the decks and increase the chance that what I say after will actually come to pass. People want to please you; but more than that if they hear your intentions they are compelled to give you what you ask for.

Years later, at the Church of Satan’s infamous 6-6-06 Black Mass, I heard a new and flashy (replete with fire) variation on the old spell:

Rex Church ended each of his spells by shouting, “Such is my decree!”

Didn’t take me long to adopt that one either. Much more dramatic, but it’s the same principle - and it works.

I’m no hippie, but I expect positive results in this life and I consistently get them. Announcing my intentions and placing my concise order with the Universe dramatically increases my success rate.

Be specific. Ask for what you want, then watch as you get it. Be sure to acknowledge your spell – that you cast it and that it worked. The Universe wants to feel appreciated too.

You might also prick up your ears to what others ask for and think about delivering that once in a while. (It’s a two-way street you know.)

So what the heck – it’s a new year and a new decade.

Lay it out and get cracking.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Ah, the raccoons -

Came home last night, caught SEVEN huge raccoons having their company Christmas party in my fountain.

They are truly NATURE'S ASSHOLES!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Turn the corner....

Okay, so it’s not, “Milk, milk, lemonade,” but Really?

“Number One and Number Two?”

Pretty amazing.

(spotted at the Disney Concert Hall downtown)

Haiku from last Friday

My haiku from last Friday night:

Wrap the wrong present
and the five-year-old instead
Gets the vodka set

Sunday, December 13, 2009

New post up on Metblogs

Just when you thought you'd never see another, here's my latest post on LA Metblogs.

They've been more than patient with me not filling my quota over there, and for that I am eternally grateful.

So go check them out.

Monday, December 7, 2009


today's haiku?
I'm just not feeling the KU
so much as the HAI

Wonderful, Wonderful Copenhagen -

Hot and cold running hypocrisy - 1200 limos, 140 private jets, to sit around and pat each other on the back for "going green?"

This thing is looking better and better - and don't forget the free hookers!

There go your abortion rights -

Yep, there go your abortion rights.

Sneaky, sneaky, sneaky.

Especially since Nelson's claim that "most Nebraskans, and Americans, do not favor using public funds to cover abortion," is completely not true.

I'm not sure about Nebraska, but I Am sure that most AMERICANS are pro-choice. How that shakes out with the new Nanny State health care, my friends, is largely up to YOU.

Start yelling (or keep yelling) until the dolts in DC pay some attention.

Everybody knows the healthcare deal is a giant impossible clusterf**k, but don't let them get away with sliding this insidious agenda through in the process.

THESE SCOUNDRELS WORK FOR YOU, not the other way around!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

2009: The Year That Eats People.

2009: The Year That Eats People.

That’s what my friend Joe calls it, and from what I’ve seen this year, he’s not wrong.

So much loss, so many people dead. So much change, and yet so much opportunity.

I was calling it “The Year Everything Changes” until I met Joe about mid-way through it, when he told me this was our last chance to get all our crap wrapped up and into the dumpster, because everything we don’t get rid of this year is going to hang around and pollute the whole next decade.

Yeah, I’ll buy that. We all may have different names for it, but we’re all feeling the same thing.

Inside of a year I went broke, had to redefine myself as an individual, not part of a long-term and very public marriage, had major surgery, and am still facilitating the end of life for probably the best cat ever to grace planet earth. I lost friends and watched other friends lose their parents.

The scary shit’s far from over, and yeah, you’ve just got to keep your head down and power through it sometimes. But you also have to pick your head up and open your eyes, because the world is still out there world-ing, whether you’re participating in it or not.

And in the midst of all the shit – and believe me I’m the last guy to tell you it’s not shit – there’s still an overwhelming beauty out there.

How many truly great people did I meet this year? Joe, Agatha, Nan, Mark, Steffie, Peter, Marc, Mike – and that’s just a short list. There are a lot more, and a lot more to come. Plus I was reminded of who my friends are, and how incredibly deep their love and support extends.

If you’re alive and reading this in 2009 chances are you’re having troubles of your own.

Reach out. Then allow yourself to be fished for – even if it’s only catch and release.

(also guest posted on Iced Borscht)

Today's haiku

sushi haiku -

If it's sharp enough

you won't even feel the knife;

You'll just see the blood.

2nd Iced Borscht post is up -

If you're too lazy to read it on Iced Borscht, here's the 12/4/09 post:

Okay, I am officially, once and for all, LAYING IT DOWN:

When the cell phone craps out (and we all know that’s not an IF), the

person who Made The Initial Call is the one to call back.

I’m sick to death of that frantic who’s re-calling whom, all of which

only ends with overall cellular lockout, eight voicemails, and both

parties forgetting why they were even talking in the first place.

Are we together on this? Can we agree that everybody remains calm, and

that the Call-ER re-places the call, not the Call-EE?

Thank you. To be implemented and shared immediately.

(a flourish)


Thursday, December 3, 2009

It’s a Borscht-In!

So I've been invited to guest-blog at

for the month of December!

First let me say how honored and thrilled I am to be included in such a prestigious yet non-gastronomical event.

Yes, I’m afraid no borscht will be served. At least not by me.

That said, and by way of introduction, I’ll clue you in on my overall theme: that this is The Year Everything Changes - and summarize the words of a fellow I met this year.

He claims the ability to “read” people, and after a few short minutes of deep, silent staring and a bit of throat-clearing, he said he’d got me entirely figured out.

“You’re the Trickster God, aren’t you,” he said. “You just want to show the whole world the joke.”

And you know what? He’s right. He was probably just trying to get into my pants, but he was actually right. My deal, if I have one, is certainly to point things out, or at very least to express them in ways you never saw them before.

So get ready. December is just begun and I’ve got the proverbial Good News and Bad News: this horrible fantastic surprising relentless eff’d up awesome year ain’t over yet.

Catch me spouting the provocative and the insane, pretty much weekly, on The Filter:

Los Angeles is my home.

Permalink to my first post:

Sunday, November 29, 2009

“I shall stay the way I am because I do not give a damn.”

Me. Dorothy Parker. Nuff said.

And yet, there will be more....

Friday, July 10, 2009

Welcome to Chaos Theory ... Into Practice

Trying times, these.

Everything is up in the air, nothing makes sense, and nothing's where you left it -

Time for a little Chaos Theory, to remind you that only when things are in utter disarray do the ever regroup in an orderly fashion. It may not seem like it, but the more screwed you feel, the bigger your opportunity.

Stay with me here. All will be revealed.